That One Drunk Call in the Morning
by Obskura
Summary: Two-Bit's drunk. Really drunk. He can't remember how to get back home, and Steve's losing his patience with yet another save-me-pal phone call with no idea where his friend is. Again. T for mild language.


...

Steve yawned widely as the phone rang. Just this alone put him in a right mood. He was _sleeping_, and how dare someone wake him up? What time was it, anyway? The greaser looked outside, guesstimating it to be about one in the morning. He had no idea who would be calling this early, but Steve sure knew whoever it was, was gonna get an earfull out of him! That's if he could find the phone. Once Steve found it, he answered with a falsely nice, "Hello?"

"Steve? Man, ya...ya gotta do m-me a fafffor.."

Instantly, Steve's mouth thinned. It was Two-Bit, and he didn't sound to be in a decent state of mind. He had to be nice; Two-Bit was one of his buddies, afterall.

"Whataya need now?" he asked.

"Yeeew need to come gemme", Two-Bit half-mumbled. "'Cause, 'cause you see...Fuck, I don' remem'er..."

"You're drunk, aint'cha?" Steve rubbed his eyes.

There was some racket on the other end. If Steve's ears weren't mistaken, Two-Bit must have fallen over while trying to stand. Two-Bit was laughing to himself, trying to talk at the same time. The younger greaser ran a hand through his long hair impatiently, but didn't voice his frustration. Prodding at an extremely drunk Two-Bit never got him, or the rest of the gang for this matter, anywhere. Two-Bit would kindly tell them to go off a cliff, hang up, and either tried to get home by himself or he'd go to sleep somewhere safe. Steve wished he would choose the latter so he could go back to sleep.

"Juss' a little. I-I would take m'self home, but I don' rememmmber how to get..." Two-Bit grew quiet.

Steve's bad mood lightened as he felt a tiny jolt of worry. A Soc could've found him and taken him off the phone to beat him up. That kind of situation wasn't a rare one. Not at all!

"Two-Bit?" he asked in a high voice. "Buddy, y'all there?"

He heard snoring, and he was back in his dark mood.

"TWO-BIT!"

"I wass thinkin', Christ!" Two-Bit snapped awake. "If yerr gonna b-be like tha', y'all can juss' jump off a cliff! Two-Bit don't care no-how!"

Sighing and counting to three, Steve listened to Two-Bit laughing at himself. This guy was impossible when he was drunk. At least it wasn't Dally. Oh, Lord was he a character when he was out of it. Nobody wanted to even _touch_ Dally when he was smashed. He'd take it the wrong way sometimes, and the end results weren't so pretty. At least it took poking and bothering to make drunken Two-Bit snap. Hell, when he's drunk, he's Two-Bit times ten. Only he couldn't talk very well and forgot things. Like how to get back home. Sometimes he did, and that was a downright mystery the gang had yet to solve. Even Dally couldn't figure it out, and he'd been just as drunk many a time, but always had to call one of the gang or go home with another hood to sleep off his drunken stupor. They eventually concluded that it was one of life's greatest secrets with how Two-Bit would find his way back.

"Alright, alright", Steve yanwed again, "where are you?"

It was quiet, minus the sound of the eighteen and-a-half year-old clicking his tongue as he wracked his pickled brain. Steve could've sworn he heard his friend's brain short-curcuiting from trying to think in his state. He prayed to the Lord in Heaven that the jokester knew where he was. Then he could pick him up, take them back home, throw him on the couch, and go back to bed faster.

"Uuuum...I donnno...", replied Two-Bit.

"Dammit, Keith, how the Hell am I supposed to get ya?" Steve snapped.

"Drive 'round till ya see me!" Two-Bit hollered, then, "I-don'-rememm'er!"

Steve's head went into his palm with a loud _smack__!_ This couldn't be happening, it just couldn't.

"_Look_!"

"I would do 'at if everythin' woulds stop movin'!"

The tired teenager felt close to hysterics. Luckily, the drunken village idiot had what little sense he had to ask someone where he was. _Salvation_! Hopefully he hadn't wandered off too far. And was Steve in luck! Two-Bit was at one of the geaser movie houses. It was pretty close by and he knew where it was, so Steve had no problem with directions. He wondered why he was always the one Two-Bit would call to rescue him. Well, now that he really thought about it, who else could drive besides himself and Soda and Darry? Soda would practically be in coma when he was asleep and nothing could wake him, and Darry would kick Two-Bit's ass all the way to the moon for his stupidity at not staying home and drinking. Dally could drive, too, but no one wanted to stay with him with where he would sometimes go. Especially Buck's. That was a major "No". Too much has gone down at his place for the rest of the gang's comfort.

Steve found Two-Bit by the bathrooms at the phones, but had to help him into the men's room right after helping him back up. Two-Bit was sick for seven minutes, and Steve had given up his bad attitude; he was too tired to care anymore. Helping his friend into the car was another story in itself, but they were eventually on their way home. Two-Bit rambled on about things, girls (blondes of course), cars, and Socs. Steve did have to laugh after a while. Hearing Two-Bit go on about stuff then forget what he was saying mid-sentence was too rich. The best part of all this was the fact he wouldn't remember a damn thing in the morning. At least Two-Bit was laughing and not throwing up. But there was a surprising side to this drunken car ride.

"I donnn' get it", Two-Bit said in the backseat. "E = MC2, righ'? Liiike, energy an' mass equal the same twiced, but...but no solid object coul' never be quicker than the speed of light! It'sss..impossible!"

"It's impossible that y'all know that", Steve replied, dumbfounded.

Now, Steve would've thrown his friend on the couch like he'd planned originally, right? He couldn't. Why? Drunk Two-Bit was scared of the dark and didn't want to be by himself. Instead of arguing with him, Steve dragged himself and Two-Bit into his room. Exhausted, he collapsed onto the mattress with his drunken pal. He situated himself, curled up on his side while Two-Bit started to doze off the way he fell: face-first. Steve knew he'd manage to suffocate himself, so he moved Two-Bit's head to the side.

"Yer...yer a good-" Two-Bit started.

"Shut up and go to sleep", Steve growled, throwing the covers over them.

Finally, silence. Now he could finally get some sleep. He could tease Two-Bit in the morning, and tell everyone there was some hope for him. Just one of those nights. But it was all go-

"Do aliens-?"

_WHAM!_

Pillows had never served Steve better.


End file.
